'It's okay to cry': Tragedy of losing parent unites strangers two decades apart in age

Words by Elaine McCallig, ITV News Digital Content Producer

Two strangers two decades apart in age have been united in their experience of losing a parent in childhood.

"I just sat on the stairs and cried, I cried a lot," 11-year-old Harvey said. "Generally I found it a bit hard and a bit frustrating.

"Why did it have to happen? Like why me?"

"It's okay to cry," Jack, 33, tells Harvey.

Jack and Harvey have both experienced childhood bereavement, albeit two decades apart.

Jack did not access support after his father died from cancer when he was 14. But Harvey, who lost both of his parents within the space of two years, did.

Harvey lost his mother when she died in a car crash on Christmas Eve when he was just two years old. His father died from cancer two years later.

Children are not automatically offered any counselling or outside support if they lose a parent, leading to calls for automatic support to be put in place to help grieving children.

Childhood bereavement charity Winston's Wish wants to see a national child bereavement register to identify grieving children who need support after losing a parent.

Jack and Harvey share their experience of bereavement

For Jack, a father himself now, the word "dada" went from something he could not even say to his favourite word "in the whole world".

“The first time my little boy said 'dada', it was like a word that I had not been able to say since he died. I genuinely couldn’t even think about the word and then I had this little boy go 'dada, dada'.

"And now it’s my favourite word in the whole world and he looks up to me with so much love. I was so lucky because I did have the best dad in the world.”

Jack suppressed his feelings after his father died.

“I went to school three or four days later and pretended it wasn’t really happening. It didn’t feel real, so I probably went back to school quicker than I should have and on my first lesson back I was asked in front of the whole class why I hadn’t done my homework.

"I look back and I know I should have spoken more. I should have spoken to my mum and spoken to my friends more but I felt like I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.

"On his death bed I told him I'd never forget him and then for the next 10 years I did everything I could to try and forget him because it just hurt too much," he said.

But he says running, music and becoming a father helped him finally talk about his torment.

Almost two decades on from when Jack lost his father - children are still not getting the support they need, Fergus Crow, chief executive of Winston’s Wish, told ITV News.

Winston's Wish has worked with more than 20,000 children in the past year alone - but the exact number of children who have lost a parent is not recorded.

A national register would allow charities to better channel their resources, the charity says.

He said: “Bereaved children we often say are quite invisible to us, so we are really dependant on children and young families themselves and often professionals finding us. We would like ensure that is much easier.”

Campaigners say that until you know who to target, it is impossible to get them the help they need.

One child who did access support is Harvey, now 11.

Recalling one of his favourite days, Harvey said: “I remember meeting [dad] in hospital when he was in a coma and my auntie Katie saying he can’t see you but he can hear you."

After his father's death, Harvey moved more than a hundred miles away to live with his auntie's family.

Harvey was able to access support after seeking it out, which helped him feel more able to cope. He was supported by Winston's Wish.

He said: “They have helped me quite a bit with feeling more confident talking about my parents and feeling that I can show and express my feelings. Since I’ve talked to someone and done fun activities it’s made me feel more confident and not feeling overwhelmed”.

Liberal Democrat MP Christine Jardine says she wishes her sisters, who were aged just 8 and 13 when their father died, were able to access more support

Liberal Democrat MP Christine Jardine lost her father when she was 20, and her sisters were just eight and 13.

She is pushing for children to automatically get support when a parent dies, and has raised the issue in the Commons.

She has also met with the Children's Minister Claire Coutinho to help make that happen.

She told ITV News: “In this day and age, with all the information we have about all of us, I find it astonishing that we haven’t thought about this before.

"There’s a part of me that wishes that my sisters had more support and I think about other children going through that and what they need and that’s what important." She’s confident change will happen, adding: “There is no political tension about it. We all have experience on all sides of the House. I’m absolutely confident the will is there from those who make change, as it’s not political, it’s personal”.

All schools have a statutory duty to promote the welfare of their students.

The Department of Education is offering a grant to all state schools and colleges in England to train a senior mental health lead.

More than 11,000 schools and colleges – including more than six out of ten state-funded secondary schools have taken up the offer so far.

They’re also increasing the number of mental health support teams working in schools and colleges to support young people with early intervention support and liaising with external specialist services.

Jardine says that the introduction of mental health leads in schools show that things have moved on, and progress is being made.

She told ITV News: “This is important and helpful but not all children will want their school involved. I would see it as a start, rather than a solution”. There will, inevitably, always be some who grow up grieving, but expert support can help reduce the heart-breaking impact bereavement has on children, who might otherwise conceal their trauma for the rest of the lives.

If you’ve affected by this story Winston’s Wish helpline number is 08088 020 021 (open 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday) and their website is WinstonsWish.org

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