Michelle Dewberry opens up about depression battle
Depression doesn’t discriminate, it doesn't matter if you’re old, young, rich, poor, successful, not, it’s irrelevant
The Apprentice winner Michelle Dewberry has opened up about her battle with depression, revealing that her mother saved her life when she was on the verge of suicide.
On battling her demons, Michelle, who won The Apprentice in 2006, told Helen Skelton: ''Depression is something for me that happens in spite of your circumstances, you can't get rid of it. For me it was like a constant feeling in my tummy, it was like a constant feeling in my head, it was a constant cloud of sadness no matter what I did, who I was with, where I was, I couldn't get rid of it. And it went on for such a long time and I just kind of thought it was normal and that made it worse because then I used to think, ‘Well, what have I got to be sad about?’ Everything was OK in my life so I couldn’t even rationalise it either.”
The only reason that I didn’t commit suicide was I did not want to hurt my mum, my family
Describing how her depression had made her feel suicidal, she said: “Depression doesn’t discriminate, it doesn't matter if you’re old, young, rich, poor, successful, not, it’s irrelevant. It’s an illness and for me I just got to the point where I was so low there was no two ways about it I wanted to die.
“...It was a constant absolute certainty that I did not want to live. The only reason that I didn’t commit suicide was I did not want to hurt my mum, my family.”
Michelle continued: “I know a lot of people will talk about suicide and say it's a very selfish thing, I think on the contrary. I think that if you’re feeling like that, you feel like you’re a burden to everybody around you often. It’s the worst feeling, it’s horrible.”
And on recovering from her depression, Michelle said: “To me I didn’t even realise I had a problem, I just felt that I did not want to be alive. It was a constant feeling that didn’t go away. I decided I was going to do something about that. And then I went to go and see my mum, not to seek help but to tell her that look this is what I’m going to do.
“My mum has already lost a child, my big sister passed away just before she was 20…
“I went to my mum purely to tell her that this was what I was going to do, there was nothing she could do about it and I just wanted her to be reassured that she couldn’t have done anything. And obviously my mum was heartbroken, that’s not what you want your daughter to tell you is it?”
I promise you life, it is amazing, but you’ve got to get through that
Michelle added: “She kind of wanted me to go the doctors and talk to the doctor so I kind of went just out respect for my mum not because I thought I had a problem. I still didn’t really feel I had a problem.
“The doctor made me realise I was probably poorly. I went on antidepressants, I got a lot of therapy.
“I went privately and did a lot of private therapy. I was put on a care plan so had to go back to the doctors every week just to check in. I had a friend [who] came to stay with me and make sure I was ok. It was just the worst time, the worst feeling. I hated myself it was horrible.”
Michelle said she never takes her mental health for granted now and feels grateful to be alive. She said: “I sit here now, I don’t want to die, life is awesome. I’m very blessed and privileged to be here.
“I promise you life, it is amazing, but you’ve got to get through that.”