Lonely parenting: The reality of feeling 'devastatingly alone'
Mum-of-three Chloe shares her experience of what it's like to live in isolation as a lonely parent.
My name is Chloe, and I am a lonely parent.
I’m a 29-year-old mum to three gorgeous girls, aged 11, 7 and 1, and privileged as I am to have such a wonderful family, I have struggled through the ups and downs that parenthood has brought and often felt lonely along the way.
That’s why, in 2018, I set up The Lonely Parents Club: a local group that meets weekly in Abergavenny with the aim of providing a welcoming, non-judgemental space for parents from all walks of life and with children of all ages who may be feeling cut off, struggling with the day-to-day or simply want to get out of the house and have a grown up conversation.
I’m sharing my experience of loneliness in parenthood to raise awareness of an often overlooked problem; in the hope that others will be able to relate and know that they are not alone in their feelings of isolation, and most of all to hopefully show anyone who is struggling that there is light atthe end of the tunnel.
I became a mum for the first time at the age of 18 and, though I had a very supportive family, I struggled with a difficult relationship and found myself cut off from the “normal” parenting world.
My peers were still very much able to go out and enjoy life with few responsibilities, and I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I had very little self-confidence, was – and still am – a natural introvert and the thought of going to parent and baby groups, quite frankly, terrified me! Iwas so scared of being judged for being too young, too poor or just not good enough, so I simply avoided these situations at all costs.
On becoming pregnant with my second daughter, being a little older, in a better relationship and feeling much more confident, I was determined to do things differently. I lived in my home county of Yorkshire still, but had moved to an area a little further from my family so needed to forge new connections and make friends. During my pregnancy, however, I was diagnosed with ante-natal depression and subsequently had post-natal depression too. This shook my world and turned even some of the simplest things like leaving the house into desperate battles.
I felt like a failure – as though I had let down these two beautiful girls who were my absolute world and, most crucially, I felt devastatingly alone.
Looking back, those days were so bleak. Without meaning to sound melodramatic, I didn’t think that I would survive. However, through a combination of professional help and fantastic support from family and friends I did make my way through, but I still didn’t manage to make my way to many parent groups or social occasions outside my close circle of old friends.
Naturally, when I fell pregnant again in 2017 I was terrified that the depression would return. Luckily this was not to be, and I made it through the pregnancy relatively unscathed. But, despite now having plenty of parent friends in Abergavenny – where I had been living since 2015 – I still had that familiar feeling of isolation that becoming a new parent brings. My partner, who is a chef, works long, unsociable hours and so I often find myself alone with the children for long stretches. As a blogger, the internet became my window into the outside world. I began talking to other parentsonline and in the real world and quickly found that I wasn’t alone in my feelings of, well, feeling alone!
I delved further, asking if there were any local groups for parents rather than just for children, trying to see if there was anyone in the area who felt like I did and may even want to – gulp – meet up! The response was overwhelming, and so I decided to set up The Lonely Parents Club.
After a steady start in June 2018, with only a few loyal regulars, we now have a base of fantastic attendees. We have enjoyed not only attending our own weekly group together, but buddying up to go to other parent and baby groups too, which many of us would not have felt confident enough togo to on our own. We welcome new people every week and offer a safe, friendly and non-judgemental environment to connect with other adults. We drink tea and coffee, we eat cake and we put the world to rights!I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to meet some amazing people and made firm friends through our own group which is local to Abergavenny, but I also have bigger ambitions for the initiative.
Most importantly, if you are a parent who is feeling lonely, overwhelmed, or a little lost along the way please know that it’s not just you. It’s okay to feel this way and, though it may feel like it at times, you are not alone.
More information can be found on The Lonely Parents Facebook page
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