'Are we dating the same guy': inside the Facebook group that names and shames dates

By Niamh McMullan

A man has told UTV he was driven to suicide - which left him clinically dead for three minutes due to a Facebook group that names and shames their dates.

A group of men have came forward to open up about their mental anguish after featuring in the group, many of whom say they have been unfairly maligned.

'Are We Dating the Same Guy', groups have sprung up around the world. They were set up to alert woman of potentially unsafe men.

The Northern Ireland private group on the social media platform has almost 50,000 members.

Men UTV has talked to, have said their experience of being featured on the group has left them traumatised.

Some have been abused, had malicious false claims made of them and one who lost his job attempted suicide.

The group was initially founded in New York in 2022, allowing woman to share information about negative dating encounters they’ve had in their respective cities and ask for advice about “red flags.”

Since its set up the group has ballooned to over 120 cities with 4 million users the world.

UTV has spoken to some of the men who were featured on these groups who say that not only are the posts not vetted or moderated but these groups have the power to destroy lives.

Speaking anonymously, men who had been featured in the group told us that: "It had a massive impact on my mental health where it got that bad, that in December I had considered taking my own life."

He continued: "I was contacted by a friend of mine who told me I was on this website she then proceeded to send the screenshots of my profile on this group, pictures of me and a kid, pictures in my work clothes, my name, my work clothes my name my address it was traumatising to say the least."

With one man who felt with no way to defend himself, he could see no other way out. He said; "I spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital, following a suicide attempt that left me clinically dead for 3 minutes."

Supporters and most users of these groups argue that tackling violence against women and girls is a priority in Northern Ireland and these informal groups are one way to alert women of men who may have an abusive past. 

Joanne Barnes, CEO of Nexus, a charity that support victims of abuse in Northern Ireland said: "The site initially was set up promoting female safety. We would have concerns however that some of the content being shared doesn't fit under that umbrella of safety and is more personal and around dating experience as opposed to con concerns about a person's background”

The group is ruled by a set guidelines and when one is violated you are encouraged to contact the moderator.

UTV contacted the founder, Paula Sanchez for comment but had no response.

When messaging the page, an automatic message is sent stating, "This page gets hundreds of messages a day, so I likely won’t be able to respond to yours. Please send every Moderator a message describing exactly what you need and wait patiently..."

UTV found that the moderators of the Northern Ireland group are based in America and when when messaged for comment, none responded. 

The men UTV have spoken to say more needs to be done to clamp down on these groups: "If the moderators from the group actually abided by their own rules. They state, there should be no personal information shared if you're claiming something about a man it has to be backed up with hard evidence there is none of that in this group."

Charity Men's Alliance NI has warned character assassinations online can lead to deterioration of mental health.

Carey Baxter from Men's Alliance NI said: "The intention of this group is commendable, it's to protect woman and girls from potentially abusive men. The problem is these groups are not being run inline with their own rules. In our opinion they're putting men's mental health and lives at risk."

The founder of Are we Dating, Paola Sanchez, is now facing a lawsuit in the United States with other groups being set up in the backlash against her Facebook groups.

Facebook was also asked for comment, but did not respond.

Want a quick and expert briefing on the biggest news stories? Listen to our latest podcasts to find out What You Need To Know.