Blog: Becoming a new mother is hard enough, let alone in lockdown

During maternal mental health week, ITV News Presenter Jess Dunsdon reflects on her own struggles with postnatal depression and empathises with new mums during the current lockdown.

This is a bit like ripping off a plaster, so I'm just going to go straight in and say it... I hated becoming a new mum. I know not everyone feels this way. Some are blessed with the immediate bond, successful breastfeeding and angelic sleepers. Not me.

The transition from career woman to new mother was one hell of a bumpy ride. And if you feel the same way about having a newborn, but dare not say a word for fear of being shamed, then read on. Because I want you to know, you are not alone.

Let me preface this blog by saying I love my son Josh with every fibre of my being. And I love being a mum nowadays. But in the beginning motherhood did not come easily.

In fact, it was a brutal experience which I can now recognise had shades of postnatal depression. It probably started in pregnancy. I had a rough time of it with inexplicable abdominal pains that felt like a small animal was gnawing through my stomach 24/7.

I couldn't sleep and was in constant pain, all the while putting on my game face for TV. Then there was the birth. Fast and furious is the only way to describe it. There was no time for an epidural, Josh got stuck and in retrospect, the whole experience was pretty traumatic.

Then there was the recovery. Again. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say it involved numerous trips back to the hospital, several rounds of antibiotics and gallons of iced water.

Then there was the breastfeeding. No one can prepare you for this physical and mental test of endurance. I know professionals will argue there should be no pain if the latch is correct. Indeed, I was repeatedly told my latch was 'spot on', yet I can assure you, it still felt like someone was sandpapering and setting fire to my chest every two hours.

Then there was the chronic, cumulative sleep deprivation which is nothing short of savage. And finally the crying. Oh, the constant, nerve fraying crying.

Now for some women, the love they feel for their baby outweighs all the above. Sadly, not me. I never had the immediate rush of love people talk of.

As far as I was concerned, this baby was effectively the cause of all my suffering and this was hard for me to get past. I resented motherhood for all sorts of reasons.

Having a baby had broken my body, stolen my sleep, and ripped away my freedom. Even when I had the chance to sleep, the train of negative thoughts and feelings shot through my body with such velocity that shut-eye was impossible.

I had no family on the island to support me and little time to myself. And although I had a very hands on husband, my relationship with him also suffered.

Adam was at work for most of the day and couldn't understand why I hated being a mum so much. I meanwhile resented him for escaping the physical and mental sacrifices I had made, whilst retaining the freedom to leave the house.

Ultimately, I was obsessed with everything I had lost and couldn't yet see what I had gained. I also didn't know who I was anymore. I felt totally lost and cried every single day, grieving for the life that was gone forever.

To make things worse I was surrounded by women who seemed to love their new lives.

I saw glowing pictures of friends with their newborns on social media #livingtheirbestlife. In the first six months, I was definitely #livingmyworst life and so seeing this made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Angry and depressed was not how a new mum was meant to feel, right? I should be feeling #blessed. I should be #smashingit. I was clearly #theworstmumever and hated myself for feeling so resentful and sad all the time.

But instead of admitting the reality, I put on a front. I too posted lies with carefully curated pictures published to the world.

At baby groups, I too put on a show of the perfect mum. I didn't even admit the extent of my suffering to my health visitor, as I wanted to convince her I was doing a great job.

Inside though, I wanted to run away from it all; the crying, the sleep deprivation and the constant demands.

Luckily the facade was only put on for the wider world. My closest friends and my husband knew the truth and I can't tell you what a lifesaver that was.

Because they knew how low I was, they parachuted in like Mary Poppins and helped out on every level.

They took my dogs out, picked up shopping, dropped off food, emptied the dishwasher, held the baby and hugged me while I wept. These women knew what I needed, because they too had been through it and never once judged.

With their help, I swallowed my pride and went on antidepressants for the first time. I also went back into counselling and put Josh in childcare for 10 hours a week in order to give myself a much needed break.

All of these things helped enormously. But the biggest healer was that old cliche... time.

In time, Josh slept through the night, he smiled, he interacted, he fed and entertained himself. In short, he gave something back. And that's the funny thing about motherhood, it's constantly evolving.

Every stage is different. And just as there are different types of babies and different types of mums, there are different stages that suit different people. I am not a lover of newborn babies. But I do love the toddler stage, tantrums and all.

So if you are a new mum and you too are hating your life right now. I want you to know you are definitely not alone.

The statistics aren't all that clear on the numbers of women who suffer depression or anxiety. Some reports say one in 10, others, one in four. Either way, they are only the cases we KNOW about.

Since so many women hide their suffering for fear of being judged, you can bet that figure is much much higher. Three in five of my ante-natal group had PND and three in four of my closest friends had it.

Yet we often only discover a new mum's struggle AFTER she's recovered. And that means so many women are needlessly suffering in silence at the time they need the help most. And that's what worries me most about mums in lockdown.

Post natal depression is isolating enough without actually being in isolation.

So if you know a new mum, please offer to help her, whether she asks for it or not. While you can't hold the baby or do chores in her house, think of what you can do to lighten the load.

Perhaps walk her dogs, do a grocery shop, a pharmacy run or better still, drop off some meals. Trust me, it won't go to waste and will mean more to her than you'll ever realise.

Most importantly though, check in regularly. Message or call, and ask open, sympathetic questions to let her know you are simply there to listen and not to judge.

So to the new mums out there, I want you to know, this too shall pass.

Lockdown will end. Your body will slowly recover. Your baby will eventually sleep through the night. You will gradually claw back time for yourself. You will discover a new version of you. And I promise, that although that bond with your baby may allude you now, it will grow into something magical.

In the meantime you are not a bad mum for feeling as you do. Motherhood is hard and it's OK not to be OK. But what's not OK, is not getting the help you need because of misplaced shame. So my advice to you:

1. Talk to someone

Whether it's your partner, your friends or your family, talking helps to rationalise your feelings and to bring clarity on what you need to make your life easier. It also helps to open up conversations about mental health. You will soon find that you are not alone and that many many other mums feel the same. Stigma is perpetuated through silence. Please don't suffer in silence.

2. Seek professional help

If you feel you need more than a shoulder to cry on, the first port of call should be your GP or Health Visitor. They can then direct you to the appropriate help. It could be talking therapy, medication or emergency intervention with Adult Mental Health Services. They are all still open and providing support during lockdown. Other avenues may be charities like Mind Jersey, The Listening Lounge, Samaritans, Brighter Futures in Jersey or Bright Beginnings in Guernsey.

3. Sleep when you can

I know it's hard to sleep in short bursts and that pressure to get some shut-eye can backfire ensuring you get none! But hand over responsibility to your partner or family member if you can, lie down, close your eyes and just breathe. Even if you don't manage to fall asleep, doing nothing is the next best thing.

4. You don't have to be super-mum

I know it's tempting to prove to the world that you can take care of a newborn, put on a full face of makeup, do the weekly shop, the washing, walk the dogs and go to baby groups. But there really is no need. The first three - six months are about your recovery, well-being and taking care of your baby. There will be a time when you can juggle more, but right now, dial down your expectations of yourself.

5. Recruit practical help

It takes a village to raise a child. If friends or family offer to help, don't hesitate to take them up on it. If you are the friend, then make it easier on the mum by being very specific about what you are willing to do. E.g "I can drop round a lasagne on Tuesday, is that OK?" If you leave it to a new mum to specify, it makes her feel like she's taking liberties.

6. Do something for you

It's the little things that count here. Taking a bath in solitude, sitting in the garden alone, watching mindless TV, painting your nails, doing your hair, eating treats, getting a takeaway, getting out to exercise alone. Even 10 - 30 minute stints of 'you time' will make you feel better.

7. Gratitude

If you find yourself counting your losses, try to make a list of all the things you ARE grateful for in your whole life. It may help put the current misery into perspective.

8. Banish the guilt

It's very easy to feel guilty for how you are feeling. This will just amplify your negative thinking. Give yourself a break and allow people to help. Accept the feelings you have, otherwise you'll just be adding extra layers to your mental suffering.

9. Take each day as it comes

It can be tempting to take one bad day and project in your mind that this is how things will be forever. Try to be more present. When your mind starts racing, catch yourself in the act of catastrophizing and intervene. Slow down, breathe and ask yourself, where's the evidence? Be forensic. Is what you're thinking really true? Can you accurately predict the future? The answer, more often than not, is no.

10. Have faith that this too shall pass

I honestly thought that I was the worst mother ever for hating the newborn stage. I thought I had made a huge mistake and ruined all our lives forever. How wrong was I? I now can't imagine life without my beautiful boy. He's my world and it makes me sad that I didn't enjoy him more. But I can't change the past. All I can do is share my story to try to help other struggling mothers in future.