'Not an existence I want' - Rider Caroline March explains decision to end life in poignant farewell
This story contains reference to suicide. If you need to talk to someone, helpline numbers are available at the bottom of the article.
A horse-rider who was left paralysed after a serious fall has revealed why she decided to end her own life, in an emotional letter published after her death.
Caroline March, 31, from Colchester in Essex, suffered a career-ending injury during a horse-riding event at Burnham Market in Norfolk in April 2022.
In a letter shared on her Facebook page, eventing rider Ms March highlighted her struggles since suffering the spinal cord injury which left her unable to walk.
The letter was accompanied by a note asking readers to keep an "open mind and be respectful for the sake of her family and friends".
Ms March wrote: "My utmost respect for anyone who hasn't only made a life after injury, but those that have flourished.
"I take my hat off to you, you really are inspirations. But that ain't me."
Ms March described how her disability had affected her quality of life, saying: "It's not an existence I want.
"I have felt so much love from so many people the last few years. I just wish love could fix it or make it more bearable. But it can't."
She added: "I've never understood society's obsession with longevity and the need to live for as long as possible. Alan Watts, a well-known philosopher famously said, 'I'd rather have a short life that is full of what I love doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way'.
"Assisted suicide is always something that I believed in and have always said that if anything happened to me and I was forced into the predicament that I couldn't have the quality of life that I wanted, that would be the route I'd take. Not going to lie, [I] never imagined it would come to fruition but here we are."
Ms March had been involved in horse eventing since May 2008 and went on to compete at national and international events at the likes of Blenheim Palace and Chatsworth.
While competing at a cross-country course nearly two years ago she fell, fracturing and dislocating two vertebrae and puncturing a lung.
In the days afterwards, from her hospital bed, she posted on Instagram to say: "I still have no feeling to my legs but I can now feel and use my abs and have been getting random twitches to my legs which I have been told is really encouraging."
However, the extent of her injuries left her paraplegic.
Ms March admitted to having suffered with her mental health before her accident but said that the Covid-19 lockdowns gave her an opportunity to self-reflect and learn to "love herself".
Post-accident, she revealed that she really struggled with her emotions and felt "angry" at her situation, writing: "I worked so hard to get my head in a place where it wasn't the limitation to my future.
"I had this overwhelming feeling of freedom and within 18 months the limitation was physical and permanent.
"No amount of hard work could fix that."
Five months after her accident, in September 2022, Ms March raised £23,630 via donations from a JustGiving campaign which allowed her to buy an all-terrain wheelchair to navigate her Essex farm.
She said: "My idea of a holiday is off-grid huts exploring inaccessible landscapes. I don't just like the countryside. I need it."
In February 2023 she wrote an emotional post on Instagram saying that one of her horses, Little Rebs, who she described as her "best friend" was going to a new home - a decision which she claimed was "out of her control" and which broke her heart.
She posted: "He became a reason to get out of bed and the prospect of watching him next season was giving me a prospective to carry on."
Tributes to the 31-year-old have been paid by industry publications with Eventing Nation describing her as "well-known and loved throughout the British eventing community for her big personality and fiery streak".
More than 1,000 comments have been left by Facebook users on her page since her farewell letter was published.
In a joint statement, British Eventing (BE) and the British Eventing Support Trust said they were saddened to learn of the death of Ms March.
“Eventing is a close-knit community and Caroline was a popular and successful member of the eventing family,” the statement said.
“Life-changing injuries are extremely difficult physically and mentally, both for the individual and those around them, and everyone handles them in their own way.
“Caroline was aware of and engaged with the help offered to BE competing members.
“British Eventing and the BE Support Trust extend their deepest sympathy to Caroline’s family and friends during this difficult time.”
If you have been affected by issues in this article and need help, support is available:
CALM, the Campaign Against Living Miserably, runs a free and confidential helpline and webchat. It also supports those bereaved by suicide, through the Support After Suicide Partnership (SASP). Call 0800 585858 (daily, 5pm to midnight).
Mind is a mental health charity which promotes the views and needs of people with mental health issues. It provides advice and support to empower anyone experiencing a mental health problem, and campaigns to improve services, raise awareness and promote understanding. Call 0300 123 3393 or email info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans is an organisation offering confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair. Phone 116 123 (a free 24 hour helpline) or email jo@samaritans.org
YoungMinds is a resource with information on child and adolescent mental health, but also offers services for parents and professionals. It is the UK’s leading charity fighting for children and young people's mental health, and wants to make sure all young people can get the mental health support they need when they need it. Visit youngminds.org.uk
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